No Name Bastard: How Our Lives Teach Us What We Can Control, Manage, and Influence is a candid and inspiring self-help book that explores how our most defining experiences—especially the difficult ones—can become powerful tools for growth, self-awareness, and shaping a more intentional future. Author Tori DaCosta talks to Book Glow about the book.

No Name Bastard explores how powerful memories shape who we become. What inspired you to revisit these defining moments from your life and turn them into a book?

For most of my life, many of the experiences I write about in No Name Bastard existed quietly in the background. They shaped how I saw myself, how I navigated relationships, and how I showed up in leadership. But they were also moments I rarely spoke about.

Over time, through both personal reflection and my work coaching leaders, I began to recognize something important: the stories of our past often have the greatest influence on the direction of our lives. When we leave them unexamined, they quietly define us. When we examine them, they can free us.

Writing No Name Bastard was my way of using my experiences—and the growth that came from them—to encourage others to do the work of examining their own stories. I wanted to explore the moments that shaped me—not to stay in the past, but to better understand how those experiences informed the person and leader I’ve become.

My hope is that by sharing those moments honestly, readers feel permission to look at their own stories with curiosity rather than judgment.

The title of your book is striking and provocative. What does No Name Bastard mean to you, and how does it capture the heart of the message you want readers to take away?

Many people have discomfort with the word bastard. For a long time, the word carried shame and silence, but for me it has always simply been a fact.

Labels placed on us only have as much authority as we allow them to have. At some point, we all have to decide which labels we will carry forward—and which ones we will leave behind.

Ironically, No Name Bastard is simply the first three chapters of the book. It has been interesting to see how people interpret the title. As with any book, the meaning ultimately emerges through the lens of the reader.

The deeper message of the book is that our beginnings may shape us, but they do not have the final say in who we become.

Throughout the book, you reflect on moments that could have easily kept you stuck in the past. What helped you shift from feeling defined by those experiences to using them as tools for growth?

At some point, I stopped wishing for things to be different and started to recognize the gift in the lessons each challenge taught me.

That perspective changed everything.

Instead of seeing those experiences as limitations, I began to view them as sources of insight. They helped me develop empathy, resilience, and a deeper understanding of people.

Growth didn’t come from pretending those moments didn’t matter. It came from acknowledging them, learning from them, and choosing how they would inform the way I moved forward.

Life lessons are our greatest teachers—especially in leadership—if we allow them to be.

You emphasize the importance of understanding what we can control, manage, and influence. How did this framework develop in your own life and leadership journey?

That framework developed through experience—both personal and professional.

In leadership, you quickly learn that many things are not within your control. You can’t control outcomes, other people’s decisions, or the circumstances you inherit. But you can control how you show up, what you prioritize, and the standards you hold yourself to.

Over time I began organizing challenges into three categories: what I can control, what I can manage, and what I can influence. That framework has become one of the most practical tools I use in both life and leadership.

It shifts our energy away from frustration and toward action, helping people realize they often have far more agency than they initially believed.

Your career as a business leader and coach clearly informs the perspective in the book. How has your professional experience shaped the lessons you share with readers?

My career as a business leader and coach has given me a front-row seat to how people grow. I’ve worked with leaders at various stages of their journey, and one pattern appears again and again: the external challenges people face are often less limiting than the internal stories they tell themselves.

Professional success doesn’t automatically erase those stories. In many cases, it simply brings them into sharper focus.

Coaching leaders reinforced something I learned in my own life: clarity about who you are and what matters to you is one of the most powerful advantages a person can have. It aligns decisions, fosters resilience, and determines the impact you ultimately create.

Many of the lessons in the book come from observing that transformation in others as much as experiencing it myself.

Many people struggle with reflecting on painful memories without becoming overwhelmed by them. What advice would you give to readers who want to learn from their past but feel stuck in it?

Start with curiosity rather than judgment. That was a game changer for me.

When we revisit painful memories, it’s easy to slip into blame or shame—either blaming others or blaming ourselves, and shame often causes us to shrink and underestimate our value. But growth usually happens when we acknowledge what we feel and ask questions.

What did this experience teach me?

What strengths did it help me develop?

How has it shaped the way I see the world?

Reflection doesn’t require reliving the pain—although sometimes that pain rising to the surface is exactly what keeps people from doing the work. That’s why I included pondering pages in the book. I wanted readers to have a private space to reflect and understand how those experiences shaped who they are today.

When we shift our perspective from reliving the story to learning from the experience, the past becomes much less overwhelming.

Vulnerability plays a major role in No Name Bastard. Was it difficult to share such personal stories, and what do you hope readers feel when they encounter those moments?

Five years ago, the answer would have been yes. Today, it’s not difficult to share at all.

I realized that transparency is what gives a story its ability to help someone else.

If readers feel anything when they learn about my experiences, I hope it’s a sense of recognition. Not because our stories are identical, but because the emotions behind them are often universal.

Most of us have parts of our lives that we don’t talk about openly. When someone else does, it can create space for reflection, healing, and sometimes even relief.

If the book helps readers discover that there is something to learn from their own experiences, then the vulnerability was worth it.

The book encourages readers to examine their own lives while reading yours. What are some questions or reflections you hope people will ask themselves as they move through the book?

I hope readers pause to ask themselves a few simple but powerful questions:

What moments in my life have shaped the way I see myself? Or how I view others?

Which of those experiences can help me grow—and which ones am I struggling to overcome?

What parts of my identity were chosen for me, and what parts have I intentionally chosen for myself?

Those questions don’t always produce immediate answers. But they often begin a process of reflection that can lead to transformation.

As a mentor and leader, you’ve helped many people step into their potential. What are some common mindset shifts that you’ve seen make the biggest difference in people’s lives?

One of the most powerful mindset shifts is moving from proving yourself to improving yourself.

When people feel they must constantly prove their worth, their energy goes toward protecting their identity. But when they focus on improving—on learning, growing, and expanding their capabilities—they unlock much more potential.

Another important shift is recognizing that circumstances may shape your starting point, but they do not determine your trajectory.

Once people begin to see themselves as active participants in their own growth rather than passive recipients of circumstances, their decisions—and their impact—begin to change.

I truly believe that all things can work for a person’s good.

For readers who may feel defined by their circumstances or past struggles, what is the most important message you hope they carry with them after finishing No Name Bastard?

Challenges are fuel for growth. Don’t shy away from discomfort – it is essential for success.

Every person inherits circumstances they didn’t choose. What ultimately shapes our lives is how we interpret those experiences and what we choose to do with them.

My hope is that readers walk away with a renewed sense of ownership—an understanding that they have more influence over their direction than they may have believed. That realization can change everything.

Your past may be a part of your story, but it is not the author of your future.

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