Brigitte M. Volltrauer Shipman is an author, life coach, speaker, and teacher. She specializes in coaching mothers with children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Her current book is A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, Through The Eyes of The Guided. She is also the author of Is It a God Thing? Joseph D. Shipman, despite grim predictions by some following his autism diagnosis, gained recognition working for numerous radio stations, and currently gives time to various political and social causes, including autism advocacy. He enjoys playing video games, spending time with friends and family, and studying and talking about various topics consisting of, but not limited to, art, history, and philosophy. A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, Part II: Through the Eyes of the Guided is Joseph’s debut as an author. Learn more at mothersguidethroughautism.com.

Brigitte, In A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, you describe the moment of Joseph’s diagnosis as a kind of physical collapse — ringing in your ears, an inability to do anything but sob. Many parents say the diagnosis itself is a trauma separate from anything that follows. What do you wish someone had told you in that moment, and what do you tell the mothers you coach now when they’re standing in that same spot?

I wish someone would have said “ Brigitte you will be okay, Joseph will be okay, and truly all is well.” The other piece that I wish someone would have told me is that I was in the first stage of grief. I wasn’t aware that I was in grief or how to manage what I was feeling and that receiving a lifelong diagnosis for my first born child would be a cause for deep grief. Grief is part of our journey and knowing that is huge. The first step to take once receiving the diagnosis is to seek support for your grief. It is real and it is raw. Just remember you will be okay with not being okay. The road to acceptance is a long one to travel, but the moment you take your first step on this path the healing and discovering your new normal is coming.

I would say to any mom, first, take a breath. “You will be okay.” “Your beautiful child will be okay.” I want moms to know that although it feels big, daunting, and hopeless, you will not always feel this way. Meet yourself where you are at and take time to feel your pain. Don’t be afraid to lean into the pain and grief. If you can take time to begin your healing of grief from the diagnosis, you will create resilience and strength that will be useful for your journey. You will be able to show up with love and grace rather than fear and anxiety. I know you got this!

You write that years of suppressing your own grief and running in “superhero mode” led to serious health consequences, including a Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis at 39 and a hospitalization for full-body hives. Why do you think mothers in particular resist asking for help, and what was the turning point that finally made you stop putting yourself last?

I believe most moms are born nurturers and our children own our hearts. We will climb any mountain and protect our children as warriors. I believed that I needed to give all of myself to help my son move through a foreign and dangerous world that he did not understand. I felt like if I wasn’t using every moment as a teaching moment, I was not a good mom. There is a level of guilt that I wasn’t even aware of that was present 24/7. The guilt, shame, and anger had a hiding place inside of me that kept me hostage. I didn’t have time for myself. Time for me in my mind was wasted time away from Joseph. 

As I wrote in A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, I had many opportunities to begin the journey of healing my heart, but I ignored each one. My mind was only in fight mode. While there was a level of knowingness that was saying take care of yourself, it was also saying if you stop fighting you will lose this battle. 

The key for me was when I finally became so depleted that I dreaded getting out of bed each day. I simply didn’t want to begin a day of constant stress and fatigue. My energy was gone. My strong personal will is what got me out of bed. I felt weak, and lived in limbo.

I loved Oprah! I read her magazine and found someone who spoke about how to live a life with joy and happiness. She had a way of bringing humor into our daily life struggles. Her name is Martha Beck. I began to follow Martha and took a leap of faith and signed up for her life coaching program. This, I believe, was my turning point, and offered me possibilities. Anything is possible! So, 2 years later, I left my teaching career and became a life coach. My heart was mending each day. I became stronger and felt that this was my new pathway. I was right. 

Your mantra throughout the book is “Meet Yourself Where You Are At.” That sounds simple, but for a mother in crisis it can feel almost impossible. Can you walk us through what that practice looks like on a day when everything feels like it’s falling apart?

Yes! I love this mantra because it offers anyone permission to “be.” What does this look like? You wake up one day and you simply want to cry. The world feels too big for you, but you have your to-do list and think you must get it all done. You may feel like if you don’t get this list of to-dos done, you have failed for the day. This then may cause your stress to become bigger and vicious. You feel like you are drowning. 

The first step is to notice how you are feeling? The second step is to ask yourself how I am feeling? Don’t judge the feelings that come up for you. You feel what you feel. Now, meet yourself where you are at…I need to cry today. So, take that to-do list and circle only what you absolutely need to do so harm will not come to your children or anyone else. Only those few items, if any, that are on the list. Then go somewhere that feels safe and cry. Cry and comfort yourself as you would your beloved. Next, do one small act of kindness for yourself. Remember to treat yourself as you would your very best friend.

The other option is to ask for HELP! I know for myself I would march through my hardest days and feel completely exhausted at the end of the day. If you aren’t ready to climb the mountain, or cook dinner then don’t. Meet yourself where you are at! Give yourself grace and love. 

Joseph: Part II of the book — “Through The Eyes of The Guided” — is written entirely in your voice. You describe growing up with hypersensitive hearing, echolalia you and your parents called “video talk,” and the slow, sometimes frustrating process of translating what you could read and think into spoken communication. What do you most want other parents to understand about what the world feels like from the inside of that experience?

I would just say that, for me, the inside of my mind still fundamentally works the same as it always has, and that’s all I’ve ever known. Like many people do, I assumed the way I experience the world was how everyone does. So, if no one had informed me that my neurology was different in some ways compared to most people, I probably would have continued to assume how I processed the world was how everybody else does, with all the frustrations and understanding that may have come with it. Thankfully, I received the support and context needed to understand that my way of being different wasn’t insurmountably different from the struggles we all face. Just unique, I suppose.

Joseph, you write that you always sensed something was “inherently different” about the way you processed the world, even as a very young child. How has your understanding of that difference evolved over the years, and how do you think about your autism now as an adult?

I think of it as a useful shorthand for describing some of the unique default settings in my neurology. I think of it as being like tabletop role-playing game stats – where I’m inclined towards some things, and not as inclined towards the things most people are. I think it helps me and others understand why I process things the way I do. Others know I’m just a human with a different “flavor” of outlook, and I know I’m not being human incorrectly.

This book is addressed specifically to mothers — not parents in general, but mothers. Brigitte, why was that distinction important to you? And Joseph, what would you say to a mother who is just beginning this journey and is terrified about her child’s future?

As long as you keep being our immovable pillar of support, understanding, and acceptance, we will know and feel those virtues all our lives. No matter how often we may stumble, that will help us keep standing back up, and keep forging our way towards a happy, fulfilling life, loved and accepted by ourselves and others.

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